The Aftermath
by Angelic Lumina
Summary: A story of what happens after the events of ME3. When the someone finds out our heroine never really died that day when she saved the world from the reapers. Everyone assumed Shepard was destroyed along with the reapers, but what if she survived somehow, somewhere? Read to find out what happens in the Aftermath.
1. Chapter 1

(Disclaimer: All the Mass Effect characters don't belong to me, and this story is only a work of my over imaginative mind when I got bored and thought of a continuation of what would've happened after then end of ME3.)

Chapter 1

Red light and fire, that's all she could remember seeing before the blackness set in. Tired and pain and wanting to rest, finally to rest and never get up again. Eternal rest. That's all she wanted. All she needed. She had done her job and then some. Right? She had saved the world, the others could do the rest. Her work was done. But why did she still hurt so much? Wasn't dying supposed to relieve the pain? She made a small sound as she cracked open an eye and was surprised to see the room fill with the color of white and the sound of small beeping around her.

"Project Fox has awakened!" A brusque female voice gasped in a small voice heavy with an unfamiliar accent.

She looked around and saw her run out of the room briefly only to be opened in another minute by another unfamiliar looking man. He said something to the woman in a foreign tongue, nodding to her between words. She didn't understand what was said, but of what she remembered, it did sound like an earthen language, Russian perhaps? She looked around behind her as much as her neck would allow her in her range of motion without too much pain. There were monitors with green jumping lines next to her as well as a tube with clear liquid attached to a part of her wrist. She tried to read the text on the monitor but it wasn't English or any language she ever knew or could remember. It resembled Cyrillic letters she thought as she strained to read it, unsuccessfully, for several seconds. She lay back down, the pain surging. She noticed the tall man staring at her intently.

"How are you feeling? We didn't think you'd ever awaken you know…" He said in the most heavy Russian accent she'd ever heard.

She had so many questions at that point. Where was she? How'd she get here? Why did they refer to her as 'Project Fox'? Why did she hurt so bad? Who even was she?

"I'm…a little dizzy. And it hurts if I try to move too much." She hesitated before going on, studying the mans ugly face gazing at her. "Where…am I?"

The man shot a glance to the dark haired woman who first spoke when she first opened her eyes. She saw her nod.

"On an undisclosed remote facility in Katrovozh. You've been asleep for quite some time… We were beginning to think we should just put you out of your misery… But we gave you more time to see if the saying held true."

"What saying?"

"That legends never die."

"What do you mean? I don't understand. Legends?"

"Oh, just an old Russian saying passed down in my family for generations. It's nothing more."

"But…How did I get here? I don't…remember anything…" She tried to search her brain.

"Ah… yes amnesia is quite common after traumatic events and accidents. It may take some time to regain your memory again… If you even want to… Not that you could really go back to the life you once had."

"What do you mean? I want to know everything. Tell me!" She demanded, finding strength from a body that felt foreign yet still attached to her.

The man sighed. "You may not like all you're about to hear…"

Suddenly the woman interrupted with something in Russian. After a few seconds, the man shook his head and replied to her. "Requiescat in Pace." He announced after his piece in Russian.

"What the…"

"Don't worry about it… I daresay you're better off not knowing. Anyway… We found you in the rubble of old London… Everything was a mess, chaos everywhere. It was a couple days later, we had a different purpose for being there but we quickly abandoned it after we found you. I know what you might be thinking, but the Alliance didn't send us out or anything, we're not affiliated with them at all, I can promise you that much. You can rest assured when we pried your broken limp body from the wreckage, we were sure to make off back to our remote facility as soon as possible before anyone had realized what had happened. To this day, us three are the only ones you know you're still among the living."

"The…Alliance? L…London? Why was I in London?"

"Maybe this will help bring back your memory." He said as he lifted a shiny silver dog-tag out of his pocket and held it out to her. "We found this around your neck."

She reached out and grasped it in her hands as much as her body would allow. It hurt so much to move. Like all her veins were solid rock. She turned it around in her hand. It was full of scratches and an odd id number on the back. There were 2 big white letters next to a small patch of red on a black background on on side.

' _What is N7?'_ She turned it over and there was a name engraved in the silver metal in small text.

"Stella…Shepard?"

The man nodded solemnly.

"It was yours… Before your accident. A couple pieces of large debris were shoved aside and suddenly…we saw that shining in the reflection of the sun from your neck on the ground. That's how we knew who you were. Your body was so mangled it was nearly impossible to identify you without it. The woman you used to be…"

Then it hit her. All her memories came back at once, or most of them, the important ones anyways. Her mind flooded with images and sounds of the Normandy, the Citadel, the Counsel, the Reapers, her pilot Joker, Admiral Anderson, her first death and when the Illusive man brought her back to life, Cerberus and her time working for them, the Collectors, and all her old squad members and friends. Were any of them still alive that she didn't know about? Might they have survived? It was like deja vú, only she knew it was real. She suddenly felt sick.

' _Will I ever see any of them again? No…of course not…I'm dead…again. I can't just go searching them out, not that I'll ever find any of them again anyway, and let them know I'm back from the dead again… That's not fair for anyone to go through. As nice as it would be to see them, it doesn't change the fact that I'm probably presumed clinically dead and seeing me now would only go to further prove that I'm a living ghost. They'd probably call me a fake. And besides… I need to move on, I know they have by now… As much as it hurts… I lost everything that day. And I can't tell anyone…cause they would never understand. And perhaps the worst part of that is that I'll never get the chance to tell a certain someone else that they lost everything too…'_

She couldn't bring herself to say their names…Maybe she didn't want to…trying to recall hurt too much…more than she thought it should.

"H-How long…was I…sleeping?"

A long pause of silence passed.

"Today is October 28th…2187."

Stella gasped.

"I've…"

"You've been in a coma for a year 4 months and 12 days. We were starting to believe you wouldn't pull through. You were in pretty bad shape when we found you. Both your legs broken in five places each, eight of your ribs shattered, your right arm fractured and twisted around in the opposite direction. Half your pelvis fractured and both your kneecaps shattered. A deep open wound in your lower stomach seeping blood. Multiple bloody cuts on your face, and everywhere from your neck to your feet. You were lying in a pool of your own blood. Oh, trust me, it was bad. I honestly didn't think you'd make it. We did everything we could to heal you. By now your body has healed most of the worst of it, and what remains is a collection of scars and pieces of metal holding some of your bones together. Luckily your helmet protected your face for the most part so there was no need to do any major plastic surgery but your body suffered the worst of it." He paused as her mouth dropped and her eyes went wide. "You may not have died that day truly… but to the world you did. In other words… You don't exist anymore."

"It's been… so long…Have I really been out that long?"

"No doubt it'll be hard to get used to and adjust… But in time I'm pretty sure you'll walk again and be able to live a relatively normal life… Under a disguise and alias as well."

"Would someone really be able to recognize me after all this time?"

"Maybe not everyone, but there will be some. You've become something of an idol and a hero since that day you destroyed those things. You can never be who you once were. The world would go mad, hunt you down, kill you perhaps. You are never to speak of you truly are…to no one! That is why we have prepared the name and papers of a certain 'Shauna Windsley' for you to bear. Also we have specially made eye altering black contacts to hide your lovely green eyes as well as ordered this long black wig to conceal your hair of fire."

The dark haired woman opened a medical cabinet and brought out a bag. She rustled through it and laid out a green and white contacts capsule and then pulled out a combed shoulder-length black as night wig. She turned around and scribbled on a clipboard before removing the page and setting it down beside the other contents in front of her. Stella took it all in disbelief. She couldn't believe what was happening, what had happened. She darted her eyes from the forged birth certificate to the pieces of her new facial armor and back over them again. Could she really do this? Live her life as an ordinary nobody? Did she really have any other choice?

' _I guess it wouldn't be too bad…A normal life is all I've really wanted from the beginning. Shauna isn't a bad name either, it's not that much different from my real one. I guess…the only way for me to live now is to be someone else…'_

"I wouldn't have to live here, in Russia would I? I don't even recognize the location you told me."

"Not at all. We could send you back home to Canada if you wished… After you learned how to walk again and regained full control of your body. Where is it you're from again?"

"I grew up in Victoria, British Columbia… That's where my parents are buried… I'd really like to go back there again when I'm able."

"That much I can grant to you, Shauna. Also, I have no doubt you will develop some form of chronic panic attacks or PTSD when this is all over or when you think it is. You must tell them you were in a catastrophic car accident and barely made it out alive. I have spent over a year planning a lie for you to tell and become to protect you from the world. It is the only way left to you. You understand, no?"

She sighed and nodded glumly.

' _Maybe it won't be all that bad… I'll be back in Canada… And I'll have a chance to start anew…without anything holding me down from before. If I have do this…to really become someone else to be me…maybe I could finally do what I've always wanted to do, what I never got to do before joining the Alliance…'_

"Do you by chance have a tablet I could use to check what's going on the world? There's a few things I need to find out."

"Here, you can use this." The mysterious dark haired woman handed her a data pad.

"Are you hungry at all? You haven't eaten solid food since before this whole ordeal. A bite to eat might help clear your mind." The man said in his broken English as he gestured towards the door of the room.

"Anything you have is fine."

The strange man nodded as he followed his helper out of the room and she heard the door latch shut behind them. Shepard waited for a few minutes till their footsteps were out of earshot to make sure they weren't listening nearby. Despite all they had told her and done for her, she still didn't think she could trust them completely. Her dog-tag was still lying on the tray in front of her so she slipped the chain around her neck and fastened the clasp. She made sure to tuck it underneath her clothes so as to keep it out of view and have one last memento of who she once was. No doubt there would be many other look-a-like fake tags posing as her own she might run into. There was no mistaking hers as the real one though. All you had to do was notice the unique soldier ID in extremely tiny letters on the back. No one else had ever seen her tag before it got made, nor after for that matter, and would not be able to replicate it as it was.

' _I will never forget who I really am… No matter what happens. I'll live a lie to the outside… But I'll never truly lie to myself. If this is how it has to be then…so be it.'_

She looked at her reflection in the glare of the light on the data pad and nearly fainted. Except for a few minor scars on her forehead, her face looked almost exactly the same as she remembered it before. Her hair was still kissed by fire, only longer as it fell a bit past her shoulders. Her eyes still sparkled that faint green when she looked deep within them. The face she had always known, the one she remembered stared straight back at her. She let out a little gasp, followed by a series of deep breaths to calm herself. She couldn't have a panic attack, no, not now, not when she still had stuff to find out before she knocked back out for the day. The pain was growing less intense, getting a little better the more she moved different parts of her body. She worked up a bit of courage to try on her new wig and stick the fresh lenses in her eyes after a few moments. The woman who stared back at her from under her new disguise was completely unknown to her.

' _How could changing my hair and eyes like this make so much of a difference in how I look? I had no idea it would be this effective… There's no chance in hell anyone who ever knew me would know me like this… All I have to do is alter my voice a bit and change the way I talk and…wow I can really pull this off… This might even be kind of fun.'_

Before wasting any more time since she felt suddenly very tired, she went to work on what she desperately wanted to know that no one could answer for her. She turned on the tablet and searched for all the names that were confirmed KIA from the day of the reaper destruction. The names seemed to go on forever, most of whom she had never known, and the only names she knew for sure had died that day were on the list. A flutter of hope bloomed in her heart. Next she looked through all the MIAs hoping to find the same result. She gasped when she saw her own name on the list, even though she knew it would be. Although next to her name in parentheses, were the words 'Presumed KIA', which seemed only unique to hers. As much as she hated to see her name on there this way, in a way it delighted her. It would be much easier for her if the world already assumed she was dead. Near the end of the list she breathed a sigh of relief. None of her former squad mates names were on either list. Her heart leapt. That meant that there was a good chance they all survived. That fact comforted her as she drifted in and out of sleep.

' _They all survived… They're all still out there somewhere…They did it. Maybe I wasn't such an awful commander after all…'_ Stella smiled happily as her eyes grew too heavy to stay awake.


	2. Chapter 2

(Disclaimer: All Mass Effect characters are not mine and belong to Bioware. Also the song lyrics I used also don't belong to me, as I am a big fan of Veela. I used a bunch of her song lyrics cause I think they fit really well in the story context. She's an amazing artist.)

Chapter 2

Stella woke to the smell of warm, spicy food lying on the tray near her. She sat up and stared at the stew they left for her. It steamed thickly into the cold air smelling of beef and potatoes and some other spice she couldn't place. She lifted the spoon as steady as she could to her dry lips and let the liquid pour in and down her throat. At least it tasted better than it smelled. She forgot how good it felt to eat actual food since it felt like an eternity since she'd eaten last. When Dmitri and Viktoriya were last in the room, the weird man and woman who had explained everything to her when she first woke up, they removed her feeding tube and laid it aside on the far counter.

"You won't be needing this anymore." The man said. "By the way, I think we at least owe you our names after all this confusion. I am called Dmitri, and this is my twin sister, Viktoriya. The woman bowed stiffly. The work we do is well…classified for the most part but I think you'll find we mean well in the end. Sooner or later we'll have you walking laps around this place, that will fix you right up!"

A part of her cringed as she thought of moving around like that. Shepard wanted to ask them what they meant by that but at the same time a part of her didn't really care to know. They left the room shortly after and all was quiet save for the wind howling outside the curtains. The cold from outside wafted in ever so slightly. She had never been to Russia, but she had heard of how dangerously cold it often dropped to there. She pulled the covers up over her chest. She longed for a map to know exactly where she was relative to the rest of the world, but she dare not ask them for one. That might raise suspicions. There was one other thing that occurred to her she should do, however good or bad it might do her. She slid the data pad out from under the pillow above her and logged into her portable communications terminal.

' _Who would email a dead person though? I'm a fool for even checking this… It's not like I can just send one out either… As much as I want to. If only I could somehow contact them without actually… No it's impossible.'_

To her surprise, there were quite a few new emails that showed up on the page. Her eyes went wide.

' _No way! These are…from some of my old squad… But, why would they bother sending a message to someone who could never answer them again…'_

As she scanned quickly over the subjects and senders she noticed something strange about the sent dates. The latest one was sent on June 14th 2186. Over a year ago… All the time she lost in her coma begin to sink in as she gazed over those pixels with sadness. As she opened the first one at the top, she noticed the subject line read, 'It was an honor'. She gasped as she realized what these were. Goodbye letters that no one ever expected to be read again.

Dear Commander, it was an honor serving under you and being able to be a part of something so much bigger than myself. It was all thanks to you we were able to save your world and our own homelands. I can never thank you enough. You were an amazing person I'm glad I was able to meet. I'll never forget your sacrifice or my time in your service, Shepard.

Sincerely, Liara Tsoni

' _Liara…'_ She opened the second one, already the tears flowing freely down her cheeks.

Subject: We did it…

Dear Shepard, I had a blast with you flying the Normandy around. Hell, ever since you first stepped foot on the ship I knew it would be a wild adventure. I'm just happy I got to be a part of it and get you out of all those sketchy alien planets. All those near misses and dodging all those reaper beams and how the ship just felt like an extension of my body was super exhilarating. To be honest though, when the SR-1 got shot down that first time and you had to literally drag me out of my baby's seat…I felt horribly guilty about your death when you didn't follow me onto the escape pod. I mean don't get me wrong I'm glad Cerberus was able to bring you back and all I just…felt responsible for a time. You probably already knew that though. I'd kill for a chance to fly with you again if I ever got the chance, you never kept me grounded. Anyway, EDI and I hope you find eternal rest among the stars, you deserve it.

Your friend, Jeff Moreau(Joker)

She gasped as there were more than she thought when she scrolled the page a bit.

Subject: Not bad…for a woman(lol just joking)

Dear Shepard, Nice work out there soldier! We kicked those reaper scum right off the face of the universe! And it's all thanks to you… I owe you for that one. I might have been a bit too harsh on you but I hope you know I meant well. I wanted to make sure you were tough enough and boy… did you prove me right. I hope you're in a better place now. Some of us are taking your death a little harder than others but I'm doing what I can to help 'em. Keep killing it commander!

Sincerely, James Vega

She clicked into the next one as she wiped her glassy eyes with a tissue, nearly unable to see the words in front of her.

Subject: Keela Selai!

Dear Shepard, You did it, you really did it! I knew after you helped me win back my Quarian homeland the reapers would be nothing for you. I saw you take down a reaper right before my eyes! I'll never forget that, not as long as I still live. I was so honored you chose me to be the top engineer on the Normandy, I'm still in shock from that truly. I had never been chosen for anything great before, no one ever took a chance on me and gave me a shot to prove myself… But you did. And I'll never forget it. You are amazing, commander. I hope you are where you belong somewhere far away from all this mess and turbulence the reapers left us with.

Keela Selai, Tali 'Zorah

Her scroll stopped as she realized there were only three remaining. Less than she thought but more than she felt she deserved.

Subject: I'll never forget

Dear Shepard, I'm not really good with messages like this, goodbye ones and all but, I wanted you to know, wherever you are, that you were the best damn fighter I ever had the pleasure to fight alongside. What you did for all humankind, no… the galaxy can never be appreciated enough. I admire you for being so brave and hanging in there when the fight nearly seemed lost. I had your back, always. One day I might be able to return to Pallavin and I'll tell of your legend and what you did. I'll never let them forget who you were.

Sincerely, Garrus

Subject: Thank you for everything

Dear Shepard, I can't thank you enough for all you've done for me. I know Cerberus left a rather bittersweet taste in your mouth, what with all you went through with them, but in the end somehow you managed to make everything work out. I won't forget all you went through to save me and I know you can never forgive me for treating you the way I did when you were working for Cerberus. It's rather ironic isn't it? How everything turned out… Maybe it was all for the best and we just don't know it yet… Though I feel rather sorry for a certain someone who's taking your death rather harder than others. I guess it can't be helped. Thank you again and I hope your soul is able to rest in peace for the rest of time.

Sincerely, Miranda Lawson

The last one had an unsettling subject line. Her heart started pounding when she read the sender. How couldn't she have known he, of all people, would try to contact her and tell her everything he never got the chance to say before.

Subject: Goodbye…

Dear Stella, I…I don't quite know how to say this… how to tell you how…painful your death was to me. After attending your second funeral, where again your body hadn't been recovered, and your memorial where I placed your honor plate under Andersons, I don't know, I just…I just lost it. That day…when I last kissed you and told you I loved you before you left…It just broke me… I told myself I couldn't lose you again, but somehow as I held you there… I know we both knew you weren't going to keep your promise. A part of us both knew once you ran toward that beam, you weren't coming back… Not now, not ever. And I…tried to tell myself I had to start trying to cope with you not being there for the rest of my life… I shouldn't have let you go alone, even though I was injured. I should have defied your orders that day. Maybe you still would've died, but at least I could've been there with you at the very end…and maybe died with you…in my arms. I wouldn't have to be just another survivor while the one I love lay dead and buried. It was…incredibly hard to recover from losing you the first time…I…don't quite know if I'll be able to make it after this… I know you'll probably never read this message so I just want to say… I love you. I love you so much and I always will. There will never be anyone like you ever again and I'm just…I…I guess I'm just happy I was able to know you when you were alive. I was the luckiest man alive to have had you. You were so beautiful… Every second with you was truly precious to me and I'll cherish every moment I spent with you. Now and forever… I…Stella, I wished things had turned out differently… I wish I had gotten the chance to marry you like I told you I wanted to…after the war was over. I…I'll never ever forget you and what you did for me and everyone. You meant everything to me…and I know you felt the same. If I could just hold you one more time… Goodbye Stella…I hope when this is all said and done I find a way back to you when my time is up.

Love, Kaidan

She froze. She had to hold herself back from almost typing a brief reply to some of them just telling them she was alive and safe, somewhere. But she knew she couldn't do that. Then her secret would be out, and she couldn't have that. She wasn't fully sure she could even trust any of them anymore. Too much time had past, it's not like this just happened yesterday. Things were no doubt very different in all of their lives. It was all she could do to keep rereading that last letter over and over again, as if to make sure her eyes weren't playing tricks on her and she didn't just daydream that. The tears didn't stop, and she had to wipe away her teardrops falling like rain all over the data pad. She must've been making a lot of noise for she heard the door open and Dmitri and Viktoriya burst in and asked her what was wrong.

"Are you okay, Shauna? We heard you all the way down the corridor," Viktoriya exclaimed with worry in her eyes.

Shepard nodded as best as she could manage through her sorrow. She blew her nose and sniffed up as she dabbed at her red puffy eyes.

"I-It's nothing… I just felt really sad all of a sudden…," She somewhat lied as she discreetly clicked off the data pad.

The two of them shared a quick glance.

"I warned you about the PTSD that would set in sooner or later. You can't push yourself too hard when you feel like this. Take some deep breaths and try to calm down." After a moment he went on. "You won't find much comfort in the news there. The world's about as fucked up as it was when you went under as it is today."

She swallowed and took a deep breath.

"Shauna?"

"Why do you keep calling me that! That isn't my name, not yet anyways…"

"It is the only name left to you and you know that! Stella Shepard doesn't exist anymore and never will! Not to anyone! Do you understand?"

She sighed loudly in annoyance as she let the truth of his words sink in. " I understand sir… I'm sorry."

"You have a lot to get used to now and I'd hope your new name would be the least of it. On the morrow I hope we can start teaching you how to use your legs again. The sooner the better. You poor thing… You've lost so much of your life already. I'd be a such a darn shame to lose much more."

She sniffed up more tears. "I'll try my best sir… I…I hope I don't turn out to be a complete failure…"

Dmitri chuckled loudly. "As if that were ever a possibility!"

* * *

The tablet on the desk vibrated loudly. Stella jerked awake and fumbled with her hand in the dark to find her data pad and turn off the alarm. When she grabbed it, she saw which day it was and sighed. She had her days mixed up. She thought for certain today was Thursday, but it was already Friday. She didn't have to head back into work until Tuesday. False alarm. The day was January, 9th, 2188. According to her data pad, the weather outside showed a symbol of a snowflake with a high of negative ten degrees Celsius below the words 'Vancouver, British Columbia'. Her work had transferred her across the water for a few months for help in another building that desperately needed more employees that could speak French as well as English. She had been happy to accept. Day after day she buried herself in her work. She tried to distract herself from ever thinking about her old life…about _him._ It hurt to even say his name in her mind. She tried her hardest to make sure that Shauna Windsley was the most dedicated worker they had ever known. Her work was all she had left to live for. That and her hobby of singing her heart out in songs she wrote herself from poetry in her spare time. She would dress up in extravagantly strange, yet beautiful costumes where no one could ever recognize her, even beyond her daily disguise as 'Shauna'. She would go to sing where no one could hear her late in the evening on the edge of the water in Stanley Park. Despite the dark lyrics she sang out, there was a peculiar calmness about the way it made her feel. She didn't know if she had any talent at singing, for she made sure not to let a note slip out without making sure no one was in sight before she started. It was a method of coping with how her life was she reasoned to herself. A way to express her deepest thoughts and feelings to the world without fear of being judged or shamed by anyone. Dmitri and Viktoriya had suggested she visit a psychologist when she could right before she boarded her flight to Canada, but she had no desire to. She couldn't stand talking to another stranger that may or may not be able to understand her. A downright waste of time. She promised she'd find other ways. In a way she owed them a lot, they had helped her recover and get back on her feet again. She wanted to repay them somehow but they never gave her the chance to.

So that night she put on a rather favorite costume of hers, one that looked rather Christmasy as she made her way up to the park. Her wig was of a dark neon purple with a green holly branch headband in her hair, her eyes shrouded in thick, heavy black eyeliner and mascara. She wore a red satin cloak trimmed in fake white fur with an ornate golden design laying from her shoulders. Her red dress was trimmed on the sides with matching white fur and stopped just short of her knees. A black belt with a standard buckle adorned the middle front of her waist. Her gloves and boots were both black with white fur trimming them at the top, the gloves coming up to her elbows, with the fur nearly touching them, whereas her boots were thigh-highs with their fur nearly touching the bottom of her dress. To say it was elaborate would be an understatement, however she liked being in that skin, somehow. And the fact that it hid the reality of who she really was, or had become as well, gave her all the rest of the confidence she needed to pull it off. When she sang, she tried to make her voice as high pitched as she could, masking her own normal talking voice quite heavily. She once made a recording of herself and was shocked when she listened to the playback. This new voice was so foreign to her, it made her jump for a second. She had no idea she could even make sounds like that even come out of her. That fact made her smile a little bigger that day.

As she made her way down to her little secret area of the park that sloped near the water, the waves were calm as could be as they brushed against the shore. The night was cold, but not frigid. It felt perfect to her, as perfect as her life could be at this moment. She came to a stop in her same patch of grass she always stood in when she sang here at night. Out of instinct, she peered around her in all directions and after not seeing or hearing anything she turned to face the bay and cleared her throat. After a series of deep breaths she decided which song she would grace the sea with her voice tonight.

"There's a reason she's alone

You can't pin her down

Because no one needs her home or needs her around

She says there's beauty in the hills, a chip in the skies

So don't be sad because I roam, it keeps me alive"

"Whoa, hey…did you guys hear that?" A guy about the age of thirty in a wheelchair said to his two other friends sitting nearby.

The other two looked up from their poker game with confused faces.

"Shhh. Listen, someone's singing. It sounds like it's coming down from the water." He pointed in the direction down below the hill they were sitting on.

"What the…" His friend, clad in blue, on the right of him said, before the singing resumed again.

"To impress her, it's too damn hard

To stay loyal without going too far

If I see her again, promise I won't cryyy"

"Holy…fuck that's…that's so pretty. What the fuck…" The gruff looking man to the left of him whispered in awe.

"That voice is so lovely… How is she not famous? Anyone recognize that song?" The man in blue turned to his friend in the middle. After a few seconds, he asked, "How about you, Joker?"

The man in the wheelchair wearing a hat on his head shook his head. "Whoever she is, she sounds…really sad if you listen to what she's saying."

"We should go get a closer look," whispered the man on the left as he started to stand up slowly. The man in blue looked at him uneasily. "James, what are you doing? You can't just—!"

"Kaidan, you're such a fucking pussy, this could be a once in a lifetime chance to gaze upon a up-and-coming pop-star in the making! Come on, let's go…" He retorted gesturing toward the tip of the hill.

Kaidan glanced over at Joker for a second, who shrugged and said, "Could be worth a look, I guess?"

"Be careful not to make a sound. We wouldn't want to scare her off by letting her know we're spying on her."

He followed after James, taking slow and careful steps until he came right up to the top of the hill where the view was in their favor, yet still hid them from the view of the mysterious singer below. He crouched down beside him as Joker rolled over right behind them.

"Couldn't we technically get arrested for this?" Joker whispered.

"Not if she never knows we're here…" James grinned wickedly.

Kaidan gasped beside them. The moonlight was just enough to shed a slim sliver of light upon her and what she was wearing. At least from the backside.

"Whoa, she's…"

"Now _that_ …is what I call an _elaborate_ costume boys." James said.

"I wonder why she's so dressed up…" the former pilot wondered.

James Vega shrugged.

"Quiet! Listen!" Kaidan shushed them.

"It's just a little too painful

Revisiting a place that's like a chain on my ankle, it's a

Strong emotion to be feeling

'bout a place you called home

I can only roam for so long and now I'm alone

I get on my feet

I've got a promise to keep

Said I would visit him each time the sun circled at least

But that morning on the doorstep, it was pouring

And I'm upset, I've been mourning the closeness our proximity left so I

Hide… just around the corner from you…

And your eyes…cry

Cause I know I can't face you

So comfortable and static"

They were sitting there with eyes wide open and mouths gaping. James spoke first. "She sings like an angel…"

"Uh huh, yea… Her voice is so…mesmerizing. I don't know what to say…," Joker replied.

Kaidan nodded. "Yea she does… But I can't place it. Do you think she wrote that herself? I've never heard a of a song like that…and so incredibly sad. Were you guys listening to the lyrics?"

"It sounds like whoever she is, she's in a lot of pain… Like she lost someone important to her. That… or she's just conveying the feel of the song pretty well," Joker answered.

A few moments of silence washed over them as the mysterious singer below took a few inaudible deep breaths before beginning her next song.

"It's dark out, I sit in bed, I

Feel the sleep tug at my eyes

Still awake this late at night

A day done and nothing to write

Some say it's difficult to find

And the words, they just stay inside

How 'bout you start at the beginning, you woke up, go on, I'll listen

Is life like this, pen to paper alone like this?

Is this how they'll see me when I'm gone?

Then should I dismiss my real thoughts to protect my friends

Should I let them see my weaknesses

How will they remember me when I'm gone?

So I record the same

The wild and mundane

Cause I'm a whole person like they'll be too

I'll tell the truth when I was wrong

And what I sacrificed to be strong

I'll write every day, humming away

Even make it a habit that I don't lose

Cause I look back too, with a warmer heart

At the younger girl I once was

My journal's like a link book to my brain

So reach out to it, cross the gate

Cause everything I am is safe here in my mind

If someone told me that I couldn't be myself

I would be me even more through my doubts

You'll get a grip of my soul as you read on

Is it harder to love me now, that you arrange all my flaws

Categories, time, dates and cause

Get about halfway and pause

If it's not worth it there are so many more

I've been

Greedy and selfish and borderline reckless

I mostly broke promises up with myself when

I told myself til I could feel no more breath

I'd be better than this, I'd be better than this

I've only managed to disappoint myself

No one knows so they can't force me to look for help

It's a cycle I've repeated and know so well

But it's a secret, can you keep it?"

The three of them were speechless when she stopped. And that was an understatement. More like awestruck.

"Jesus fucking christ…that girl can sing. Holy shit!" Joker managed.

"I want her autograph," James said, "And maybe a invitation to her next showing. If she's not some famous singer, she will be soon with that voice."

"I've never heard anyone sing so beautifully like that. I feel bad we're up here spying on her while she's singing her heart out and her soul seems so troubled. I almost want to help her…," Kaidan trailed off.

"Yea…," Both of them said in unison.

"Look she's running away!" James whispered.

Three pairs of eyes followed her as she dashed and darted out of the moonlight and down the other side of the park and out of sight. A few minutes passed. No one moved.

"Should we have just let her go like that?" Joker asked.

James nodded. "Best if she didn't know about our presence. Let her go… We should just forget that we ever saw her. It won't go well for us if we say anything to anyone."

The others nodded in agreement.

"Think she'll ever come back?" Kaidan wondered.

"Who knows?" Joker replied as he gave a shrug.

When they looked over at James, he was on his way down the hill and walking up to where the girl had been standing a few minutes prior. He stopped to crouch down and pick something off the ground.

"Hey guys, take a look at this!" He shouted to his other friends on higher ground.

They ran down at the urgency in his voice.

"What is it? Did the girl leave something behind?" Kaidan asked.

He held it up so the moonlight left nothing to the imagination. "How did…," James's voice trailed off.

A shiny silver dog-tag with scratches and a black N7 logo shone in the moonlight.

"A dog-tag…? But…whose? Why in the world would she have one of those?" The man in blue wondered.

Joker grabbed the tag out of his friends hand and turned it over and over in hand, letting the light refract off it and taking a moment to inspect every corner of it. He gasped loudly.

"No... This…this can't be! This has to be a fake, right? Right?!"

He handed the tag to Kaidan for his opinion.

"Read the name. There's no way in hell this can be real!"

It only took one second. That was all the time that was needed to read the name and bring back a surge of pain he thought he'd tried so hard for months and months to bury. It was as if a scab had just been violently ripped off a huge wound that had been healing ever so slowly for the past two years. Now the wound was leaking fresh blood all over again. He choked out a gasp.

"T-this is Shepards…"

"Yea but, I've seen plenty of people trying to forge her tag ever since she died… This is just another one of those, right? How could someone like her even get ahold of one of those? Do you think she's another crazed fan or something?" Joker went on.

Kaidan took a deep breath and shared a look with James, who stared back at him, uneasy.

"There's no mistaking the soldier ID on the back… I've seen my share of those fake tags too, and none of them…had that. I've only seen that mark on my own tag…," Kaidan explained, his voice wavering as he examined his own tag around his neck.

An awkward silence hung in the air.

Joker was the first to break the silence. "So… if that thing is real, and this is the real commander Shepards dog-tag we're talking about… How did someone like her come to posses something like this? Any explanations?"

Just silence as they all stared around at one another with confused, uneasy looks.

"Well we can speculate all we want but if we really want to find out we have to come back here again around this time and hope she returns so we can ask her. If we never see her again, well…," James started as he stared at each one of them in turn.

"I think it's only fair that you keep it, Kaidan."

"James…Are you sure?"

"I mean… I don't think either of us would feel right taking it for ourselves," He glanced at Joker, who nodded in approval. "Its yours. We know how much she meant to you…"

Kaiden couldn't hold back his gasp. "Y-you guys…" He turned away from their gazes.

"You guys don't think…that she possibly was… _her_ , do you?" Her name hurt too much for him to say.

An uneasy thought floated in the silence between them as the same question was on all of their minds.

"That's impossible, she's dead," Vega barked, "And besides, I highly doubt she could ever sing like that girl could."

"Don't be stupid, Kaidan. She's dead and gone. All we need to do is find that girl again, trust me," Joker assured them.

Kaidan slipped his former commanders dog-tag into his pocket as his heart pounded out of his chest. The walk back to the city was full of dread and yet some other emotion he couldn't quite come to terms with. It had been so long since that day… He wasn't sure he was ready to face the answer that could be lying out there, waiting to be discovered.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Mass Effect characters, nor any of the song lyrics. To hear the songs I use in the story check out Veela. They're all hers.)

Chapter 3

When Stella awoke the next morning, she noticed her view outside her window had been frosted over. Not only that, but as she pulled up the blinds, a white, winter wonderland had fallen overnight. No wonder goosebumps had set in over her arms and legs. On her way to the kitchen she absently reached for her dog-tag at her neck only to find the lack of its presence. She didn't panic just yet, she might have laid it down on in her room somewhere, or the bathroom. Or maybe it had fallen and gotten mixed in with her clothes on the floor. She searched her whole apartment from the inside and out with no luck. Only then did her panic set in.

' _I thought for sure I had it after I came home last night, I could've swore I took it off last night before I went to sleep… What the fuck? Where did I leave it? Things just don't disappear like that…. That tag was the last piece I had left of myself… I have to get it back…'_

She gasped as another thought washed over her.

' _If I left it at the park last night… Ugh… That means I have no choice but to go back tonight and look for it…if it's even still there…' She sighed. 'If I don't find it there…if it's lost to me… At the very least the only thing in the world that could prove my real identity beyond a doubt is gone. I suppose I should be glad for that…'_

It was worth a shot at least, a shot in the dark, literally. She had to go back there tonight, against her own wishes of wanting to stay inside curled up by the fire.

* * *

As the evening set in, Shepard donned a different outfit to visit the park in. This one resembled a witch in cerulean blue. A pointed hat, a thin dress going down to her knees, gloves that came to her elbows, complete with thigh-high boots all the same hue of blue. Luckily the snow had stopped falling well before nightfall so at least she could stay somewhat dry. Most of the snow had melted from the peeking sun during the day so there was less than an inch of accumulation she might have to dig through. With minimal effort, Stella made her way to her little alcove of the park and noticed the snow had hardly stuck this close to the water. Her hope soon turned to despair as she spent the first ten minutes searching around and retracing her steps on the path she'd taken the night before only to come up empty-handed. Her tag was nowhere to be found. A slight panic attack took ahold of her for a bit until she forced herself to calm down.

' _Maybe someone threw it in the sea earlier, thinking it was just trash. Slow, steady breaths… You can do this… It's going to be be alright, no matter what. I'm probably better off without it anyhow… Slow steady breaths. Breathe in. Breathe out.'_

After she regained herself, she thought it couldn't hurt to just sing one song before heading back home. Her mind was racing with unspoken thoughts and secrets just waiting for the wind and water to hear. She took a deep breath.

"I wanna talk like I had never left this place again

I know a lot has changed and you won't see as the same

But just this once could we meet on neutral territory?

It will hurt both of us, but less if you meet me halfway

Try for me, cause I know I can't face you

So comfortable and static"

When she was halfway through her song, she was overheard by a small group of friends nearby. They slowly crept back up the hill to the same spot they discovered last night.

"Oh my god, that's her! She's here again!" The former pilot exclaimed as quietly as he could as he pointed to the source of the voice below.

"She looks pretty different than she did yesterday, but there's no mistaking that voice. It's her, alright. Whoever she is…," James murmured.

"Should we confront her about…," Kaidan pulled his former commander's dog-tag out of his pocket and flashed it in front of Vega.

"Not yet. Let her finish her song first, then we go. On my command."

The other two nodded their agreement.

"And if you all don't end up hearing from me

Just know I tried to be so brave

Backpack, Visa, Clue in the outback

I kinda need you

And if you all don't end up hearing from me

Jus' know I stood at your front door for a day

I couldn't bear it at all

Uncomfortable and static

Yea I don't come back much

And I don't know if I should…"

"I just can't get over it. Her voice is so dreamy." Joker said.

"Yea it is…," Kaidan sighed. "Are we doing this?"

"Follow me," James lead the way as he stood up and climbed down the hill rather loudly.

The noise made Stella jump, followed by a gasp as she turned around. When she saw who was coming down at her, her eyes went wide and her heart began to pound uncontrollably. She backed up as far as she could until she felt the waves washing over the back of her ankles through her boots. She tried to steady her breathing, growing out of control.

' _No!… It can't be! This…this isn't happening! Did they possibly overhear me? Oh, no…Okay, he's coming over, play it cool, play it cool. Oh my god they all look just the way they did before… No! it's…_ _ **him**_ _! Conceal, don't let them know… Can't them them find out…'_

"Hey there pretty lady! We heard you singing so beautifully, we just had to come over and…," James paused as he noticed she was backing away in fear. "Whoa there, hey! We're not gonna hurt you. We just wanted to ask you something is all."

She saw him hand something to Vega. Her heart wouldn't stop beating. He didn't see through her, did he? Did any of them? She never thought she would see his face again. She wanted nothing more than to just shout out him and tell him who she really was and to embrace him again like old times but that was all in the past. She had to compose herself. She didn't know the man he had become. She couldn't let her guard down around him anymore. It was too risky.

Vega walked up to her, closer than she would have liked, Joker and Kaidan right on his heels, and held something shiny out to her in his hand.

"Do you recognize this at all? We found this yesterday in the same spot you were standing in and we wanted to ask you about it. Did you lose this?" Her silver and black N7 dog-tag reflected off the moonlight in his palm, close enough for her to read her real name engraved upon it. She tried to hold it back as best she could but a gasp slipped from her lips. She was shaking so bad she thought she might lose her balance in her heels.

"Uh, no, I've…never seen that before in my life. Someone else must've dropped it…"

By the looks on their faces, something told her they didn't buy it. Was she that terrible at lying? Or did they just know her so good that it was impossible to lie to them?

"If so, then… why are you acting so nervous about it? You know how much something like this is worth?" Vega replied.

She took a deep breath.

"Okay, you're right, I did drop it. But it isn't mine! Someone gave that to me… A-a long time ago… But it doesn't matter anymore. You're free to keep it. I don't want it anymore…"

All three of them stared at her with wide eyes.

"Tell me, what's your name?" Kaidan asked as he took a step towards her.

"Shauna. Shauna Windsley," Another stab in the heart, lying to him like this. But she had no other choice, she reasoned.

"If you know anything…," He took a loud breath, "Anything at all about the person this belonged to, or where they got this from, please…tell me."

He had a desperate, almost pleading look in his eyes. She stared in awe. She couldn't believe what was happening. Could his feelings for her still be the same as they had been before? Or was this just a need to have some closure on some part of his past. She couldn't quite tell.

" I don't…know any more than you do… S-she was the hero of legends that banished the reapers from Earth, that's what the news said about her anyway… That's all I know, but I'd love to know more if there were someone who did…"

"Come with us," Her former pilot extended his hand to her from his wheelchair. "The name's Jeff Moreau, but everyone just calls me Joker. I was her pilot on the Normandy. Commander Shepard, that is."

Shocked, she shook his hand and tried to act like she was meeting the man for the first time.

"I-it's an honor to meet you sir."

"This here's James Vega, he was one of Shepard's squad members who fought the reapers with us. And this is Kaidan Alenko, he was another one of Shepard's crew."

"It's a such a pleasure to meet you all. Wow, I must be so lucky to run into people that actually knew her…"

They all nodded, Alenko a bit more sad than the others.

"We'll tell you all about her if you wanna come back to our place. It's not too far from here, come with us, we'll take you if you want. We got beer, poker, pizza, and whatever else you could want," Joker continued.

She hesitated a moment. This is exactly what she wanted, yet could she really take him up on his offer? It was risky. If she did this, she ran the possibility of being discovered for who she really was. But if she didn't go, she wasn't sure if she'd get the chance to see him or any of them again.

"Lead the way, I'll follow you." Stella heard herself say.

They smiled as they led her back up the hill and out of the park. On the way, she lingered in the back a bit and was surprised to see the man in blue had as well. He turned to look at her. Those eyes… no… this was dangerous, how could she lie to those eyes if her asked her something she shouldn't tell him?

"About that dog-tag earlier… You really don't want it anymore?"

"No," she said as strongly as she could.

"May I ask why?"

"We'll talk later…," She gave him a quick wink and sped up ahead of him. Her heart fluttered in her chest. She knew that she shouldn't have told him that, yet there was a part of her that just couldn't keep lying to him. She didn't want to. Maybe if only he knew… Maybe she was going a bit mad. She could never do that. Hopefully he wouldn't remember her saying that later and she wouldn't have to explain. So much was uncertain. If only she could've seen the look on his face as she ran on ahead. She almost thought she heard him gasp behind her as she walked up between Joker and Vega.

* * *

"Straight flush. Show me what 'cha got, Joker!" James shouted.

"Awwww, I got nothing," the former pilot said as he took a drink of beer.

"Same," mumurmed Kaidan.

"Next round?" Stella was being so careful to disguise her voice than ever before. This is where it really mattered.

So, Shauna…about how you got ahold of that tag… Give us the details, the whole story. I'm dying to know," Joker started.

All three pairs of eyes were locked on her as James dealt out the next hand.

"Uh, well, you see...that is one hell of a story… Ummm…"

' _Oh, what do I say? How do I do this? I can't think, I can't…'_

As she looked at her next hand, to her surprise held a full house, she neatly folded her cards down on the table.

"Um, Kaidan… Can I talk to you outside for a minute?"

He looked at her strangely. "Just me…?"

Joker and James raised an eyebrow.

"Everything okay, Shauna? I thought you were gonna tell that story of yours about our former comm—," Vega asked.

"Uh, y-yea! I-I will! T-there's just something I have to do… You'll forgive me for this later."

The rest of the crew shot her strange glances as she nodded and rushed for the door, looking back to make sure her former best friend was following her. She made her way down the steps and instead of just going around the back of the house, made sure to cross the street and stop a few houses down. She couldn't possibly be making him any more suspicious than he already was. To her relief, he followed her the entire way before stopping to question her. She turned around to face him.

"Shauna, you alright? You went kinda far out here you know…"

She stared into those comforting eyes a moment before answering and letting herself talk normally. "I know…just hear me out…"

Could she do this? Had she slipped up already by telling him that? She always said that to him back then… Had he caught that? His stare was like shards of ice piercing her body, digging into her very soul. She took a breath before going on.

"That dog-tag you found the other day…I-I lied… It really does belong to me…"

"Y-You knew Shepard?!" He gasped.

"Kaidan…you know me better than that…," She paused, "That was my…no, is my…," She sighed, searching his face for any hint of understanding.

His face was a twist of confusion and shock and perhaps fear.

"It's me, Stella… Kaidan, can't you see…?"

His expression was unreadable. Suddenly he took a step back. He shook his head.

"No…You can't be! She died! She's… There's no way… It's impossible, You can't be…," He paused, looking around uneasy, "Who gave you that tag?" He raised his voice, suddenly angry.

"They gave it to me when I woke up from my coma. They said they found it around my neck when I… Kaidan… it's me…please, you have to believe me… Can't you hear it in my voice…"

He narrowed his eyes. "Sorry, but… I don't believe you. You know how many people I've met trying to pose as her? All were fakes, what makes me think you're any different?"

"You have my tag! Is that not real enough for you?"

"Not good enough. It might have been given to you for all I know."

She sighed in exasperation. Spilling her secret was proving harder than she thought, surprisingly.

"Then let me prove it. You were one of the people I fought alongside… Ask me anything only the real Stella Shepard would know! Anything!"

He looked away for a second before speaking. "What did I tell you when I paid you a visit on the last night before we fought the reapers?"

She racked her brain, that could be a lot of things. This was dangerously playing on her cloudy memory, which wasn't fully returned to her. However much she did remember though, she was prepared to tell if need be. If only it would be enough.

"You told me a lot of things," She said after a moment. Before he had a chance to reply she added, "You came in telling me you just came for a 'quick drink', but that lie didn't hold up too long. You told me you were here to help me relax, and that would help me focus… You…told me you loved me…that you've always loved me…ever since we first met on the SR-1 and you helped me take down Saren. You said that I made you the luckiest man alive…"

His breathing grew a bit heavier and his eyes widened for a second. He crossed his arms across his chest.

"Still not convinced, huh?… Go on, ask me more. I can do this all night…"

"What exactly happened when we went for a vacation on the Citadel?"

"Well, I fell through a fish tank, for starters. Next, we went out dancing. After that, you stayed at my place and cooked for me before the house party we threw for the crew. You told me you had beef, bacon, and beer, the foods of your people, I recall. You slept with me that night… And the next morning I told you how nice it would be to lie there all day with you… You said I would find a way to win, to beat the reapers… That I was the greatest challenge of your life and also your greatest reward," She sighed. "But words won't convince you, will they?"

Just when her tears were about to start crashing down her face, he pulled her into him so suddenly it took her a second to register what had happened.

"Stella…I-It's really…It's really you… Stella…," He sobbed. "I'm so sorry…I…I ever doubted you,.. you just…look so different, I-I thought… How are you alive after all this time...?"

"It's a long story…," she started, feeling better than she ever had since she had woke back up into the world. She wrapped her arms around him tightly and held him there, smiling happily through her tears. "I have to pretend to be someone else to the world now since the real me is technically…well…gone. Underneath the weight of this wig and costume and contacts… I've kept my secret so long, and I haven't told anyone who I really am…No one but you…"

"I understand… Don't worry Stella, I won't tell anyone."

"Not even Joker and Vega?" She gazed up into his soft eyes.

"No one... I promise."

"We're not in the Alliance anymore… That's not an order Kai…"

"I know. It doesn't change anything… Nor the way I feel about you, " He removed her hat and tossed off her wig as ran his hand down her exposed red hair before giving her a kiss. "I'll keep your secret safe as long as you want me to."

"You… You really still love me after all this time…"

"Of course I do…," He grabbed her hand, "No amount of time could change the way I feel about you."

"Kaidan…," She buried her face in his arms, " I…I read the email you sent me after I…died…"

He gasped. "Stella…"

"I wanted so badly to reply to you I did, I just…couldn't.. It hurt so much not being able to contact you… I-I wanted…"

"I understand… You did what you had to… I can't…," He sighed, " I can't be mad at you for that…"

She met his smile through eyes full of tears.

"That's some disguise though… You had me so fooled… Who knew you could sing like that?…You never cease to amaze me, you know?"

"I don't think I'm that good at it to be honest... It's more a way of letting out my emotions then anything."

He scoffed. "Yea, your lyrics were uh, pretty dark back there… But I think I know where you were coming from. You were talking about me in them, weren't you?"

She gasped and nodded shyly.

"You…you were pretty amazing back there, you know… And you knew just where to find me, didn't you?"

"I guess I did, didn't I?" She blushed.

"We should be heading back, before they think something's up."

"Yea…," she fixed her wig back on her hair, concealing her red hair from the world.

He grabbed her by the waist and hoisted her up on his arms, facing him.

"I still mean what I told you before," He gazed into her green eyes longingly, "I'd love to marry you if you still wanted me to…"

"Kaidan… Nothing would make me happier…" She kissed him fiercely for a few moments.

"We really should get back, I can't imagine what they must be thinking back there…"

She looked at him uncertainly.

"You don't mind lying for me if it comes to that… do you?"

"I followed you to hell and back… I'd do anything for you, truly… I love you, Stella. I'm just so happy you're alive… You need me to go along with your story? Tell a few lies with you? Call you Shauna when we're not alone? You got it," He smiled his familiar warm smile she loved so much.

"I'm glad I didn't lose you… I don't know what I ever did without you… You're such a sweetheart, Kaidan."

He blushed. "Come on, _Shauna_ …"

He led her back to Joker's place only to be greeted by extremely strange looks upon their return.

"You guys have been gone awhile…." Vega started.

"Yea, what gives, Kaidan, you missed a whole twelve rounds! You guys…alright over there?" Joker asked.

"Yea, we're good," He nodded.

Stella felt every eye upon her at that moment. What could she say? What would be a believable enough lie that didn't sound too strange? Her voice caught in her throat. The words would not come. It was all she could to do shoot her lover a desperate look before she felt the world go dark and numb around her. The last thing she remembered was the distant sound of her name being screamed in a voice very familiar to her as all her senses quickly faded to black.


End file.
